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Bob Noone and the Well Hung Jury

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Check out... [Ask Bob Cheesy Questions!]

LAWYER JOKES:
The problems with lawyer jokes is that
1. lawyers don't think they're funny and,
2. the rest of us don't think they're jokes!

If you know a good lawyer joke, send it to Bob!!

  • Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
    A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

  • Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a sperm cell?
    A: At least the sperm has a 1 in 600 million chance at becoming a human being.

  • Q: Why are lawyers like enemas?
    A: You hate them until you need one, then you still hate them.

  • Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
    A: Redundant.

  • Q: What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
    A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
    A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
    A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

  • Q: What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
    A: The tick drops off after you're dead.

  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

  • Q: How do you greet a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
    A: "Good morning, your honor."

  • Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
    A: Their personalities.

  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
    A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

  • Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
    A: A doberman pinscher.

  • Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
    A: The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

  • Q: Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of having sex?
    A: Because it's all bad and some is worse.

  • Q: How do you know if a lawyer is well-hung?
    A: When you can't fit your fingers between the rope and his neck.

  • Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?
    A: New Jersey had first pick.

  • Q: What do you call an honest lawyer?
    A: An impossibility.

  • Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with another lawyer?
    A: Nothing. There are some things that not even nature can permit.

  • Q: Why didn't the circus clown feel so bad about his career?
    A: At least he wasn't a lawyer.

  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
    A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

  • Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

  • Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
    A: Professional courtesy.

  • Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
    A: Not enough sand.

  • Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
    A: Cut the rope.

  • Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
    A1: Take your foot off his head.
    A2: No.
    R: Good!

  • Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
    A: Stick his bill up his ass.

  • Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
    A: An offer you can't understand

  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
    A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

  • Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
    A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

  • Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
    A: To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

  • Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
    A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

  • Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

  • Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
    A: It might be your bicycle.

  • Q: What's the difference between lawyers and potholes?
    A1: People try to avoid hitting potholes!
    A2: People do not run over the same pothole more than once.

  • Q: Why should dead lawyers be buried 16 feet deep?
    A: Because deep down, they're real nice people.

  • Q: What educational programs should the United States support to ameliorate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance?
    A: Japanese language lessons for lawyers.

  • Q: What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
    A: One is a disgusting, bottom feeding scavenger, and the other is just a fish.